The Gift of a Family Tradition

[Note: I'm posting this early in case you'd like to establish this as a tradition for your own family.]

It had been a difficult year. My widowed mother was nearing retirement from her job at IBM, I was a single mom in my final year of college (having returned two years before to complete my degree in English and Elementary Education, when my daughter Jen started kindergarten), and January seemed like a long, bleak month stretching out before us. The gray days of winter sapped what little energy we'd had after the hustle and bustle between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

As usual, we had taken down the Christmas decorations right after New Year's Day. We were exhausted, and the post-Christmas let-down was affecting all of us, but it hit my mom especially hard. So, Jen and I planned to surprise Grammy by celebrating Twelfth Night, the last of the Twelve Days of Christmas that culminates with Epiphany on January 6.

We didn't have much money, but decided to buy one gift for Grammy from both of us. We also planned a special supper to have ready when she came home from work. Then I set up, and Jen helped decorate, a three-foot tall, table-top, artificial tree that I had used for the Pioneer Girls group of which I was leader. We placed the tree on the living room coffee table so that mom wouldn't see it when she came in through the kitchen door from the garage. Jen was so excited it was hard for her (and me, too) to not give anything away.

When mom came home from work, she was tired but surprised and pleased to see supper cooking on the stove. As she removed her coat and boots, and stepped into her slippers, I said, "Supper will be ready soon. Why don't you go sit down in the living room and warm up." She nodded and headed into the living room. But when she saw the tree, with its glowing lights and decorations, she stood stock still and just stared, open-mouthed.

Jen and I both shouted, "Happy Twelfth Night!"

Mom gaped at the tree, then at us, then back at the tree.

"What did you do?" she asked, awe-struck.

We had her sit down in her rocking chair, and Jen played "Santa," handing my mother her gift.

"But I don't have anything for you!" she protested.

"Our gift was doing this for you," I said.

I have long-since forgotten what the present was that she unwrapped that night; but I will never forget the look of wonder and joy that lit up her face when she saw that little tree and as she opened that solitary gift. We had a delicious supper, and all of the exhaustion and post-holiday depression melted away in the warmth of each others' company. It was a wonderful night.

Thus began our family tradition of celebrating Twelfth Night--a tradition I continued when David and I married two years later, and which has endured to the present. Each year, on New Year's Eve, those family members who are able to participate, put their names on slips of paper, we each draw a name, then buy that person a modest gift. On Twelfth Night, we gather around the Christmas tree (which we leave up until after January 6) one last time, light candles and enjoy the lights, often read the story of the Wisemen bringing their gifts to the Christ Child and sing "We Three Kings," and exchange our gifts. We have found it a wonderful way to bring the holidays to a close, and to diminish, if not entirely dispel, the post-holiday melancholy that many people experience.

Do you have any post-holiday traditions that you celebrate? Do you have a ritual for taking down the tree and packing away the decorations? If so, please share them in the comment section below.

Simplify the Holidays -- Part II

Welcome back! Today I'm continuing with suggestions for ways to simplify the holidays. If you have more ideas, please share them in the comments section.

9. Embrace e-cards. Cut the cost of Christmas cards by sending online greetings to as many people on your list as possible. And if you send regular cards, buy them on sale, make them out, and mail them early. Check out your local dollar store's card section, too--you might be surprised at their nice selection.

10. Write it once. Instead of individual notes, write a Christmas letter. If you're not sure how to do this without coming across as bragging or sounding cheesy, there are templates and sample letters online to help you. Writing all the information once, then photocopying it, saves a great deal of time yet gives others an idea of what's been happening in your life. Keep a copy of these letters in a binder as a keepsake history of your family.

11. Window lights. Instead of outlining the windows with strings of lights, put an electric candle in each window. They look nice and are much quicker and easier to put up and take down. Just make sure cords and outlets can't be accessed by pets and children, and secure the bases so they can't tip over.

12. Opt for artificial. Buy an artificial wreath or swag for the door. As with an artificial tree, these can be stored and reused for many years, saving you time and the effort of shopping for or making a real one.

13. Pick and choose. There are many holiday concerts, plays, and parties this time of year. Don't try to do everything. Choose one or two things that are meaningful for you, and do something different next year. Another entertainment option is to invest in DVDs of favorite holiday films and concerts to enjoy at home. We have been using our collection of Christmas programs as a "countdown to Christmas" this year, and enjoying it immensely.

14. Take time out. When you feel yourself getting stressed out, take a break to recharge your batteries. Fix a cup of tea or hot chocolate, get comfy in a chair, turn on the Christmas lights, and listen to some holiday music. Watch the birds at the feeder, or the children outside building a snowman--or go build a snowman yourself. Take a warm bubble bath, or add relaxing bath salts to the water. Read a book with a holiday theme. Breathe!

15. Focus on people, not projects. Watching holiday programs together is enjoyable, but do other activities together, too. Have a Christmas sing-along. Make Christmas cookies together. Pop some popcorn and make a cranberry-popcorn chain for the tree, then put it out for the birds after the holidays are over. Read Christmas stories out loud as a family. Play games or make a puzzle. Gifts may be forgotten, but memories will last a lifetime.

16. Give to others. There are many charitable organizations that need help this time of year. Donate change you've collected throughout the year to a charity. Donate your time by cooking a hot meal and serving it at a local homeless shelter. Donate non-perishable items to your local food shelf. Have your children take old toys and games that they no longer play with and that are in good condition, and donate them for others to enjoy. If a local bank or other organization has a mitten tree or giving tree, donate to that. And don't forget homeless animals, too. Animal shelters are always in need of food, treats, used blankets, towels, paper products, etc. Charities often put their list of needs online or in the local newspaper, or you can call and ask how to help.

At the end of "A Garfield Christmas," Garfield says, "Christmas...it's not the giving, it's not the getting, it's the loving." Presents are a symbol of the love we have for one another; but it's the giver, not the gift, that is important. As the poem by Christina Rosetti, set to an Irish tune, says, "Love came down at Christmas, Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Star and angels gave the sign." So, cut back on the commercial aspects of Christmas, slow down the pace, simplify to minimize the stress, but magnify the love.

Simplify the Holidays -- Part I

Last Saturday, in preparation for our family's early Christmas celebration while our son and daughter-in-law were here from Chicago, my husband and I put up our tree. Sounds simple, right? Take the tree out of the box, assemble the trunk and branches, add lights, garland, and decorations. Voila! Well, not quite. Last Saturday was a really bad pain day for me, so I had to keep sitting down. It took five hours to get the tree up and decorated! Once the tree was done, I was done in, and there was no way I was going to be able to put up the window lights or the garland along the post and railing on our staircase. Amid my lamenting the inability to do things the way I used to, my husband, who is part Santa Claus and part wiseman, said, "Next year, let's get a smaller tree and downsize our decorating." We decided that if that's what it takes to keep our "ho, ho, ho" from turning into "bah, humbug," so be it.

There are many reasons why the holidays can be overwhelming. Perhaps you, too, live with the challenges of chronic pain and illness, or you're getting older and just don't have the energy anymore, or perhaps you're juggling a family and a full-time job, and your hands are too full to take on the added responsibilities and stresses of providing a "fun, old-fashioned family Christmas" like Clark Griswold in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." We remember how much fun the holidays were when we were kids, but now it just seems like too much work. So, how can we preserve the enjoyment while cutting back on the stress? See if some of these suggestions might help.

1. Bake ahead and freeze. Many cookie, candy, and cake recipes can be made ahead of time, baked, and stored in the freezer. Fruit pies can be put together and frozen, unbaked, then put in the oven when you're ready to use them. For added fun, get a couple of friends together for a group "bake-in," where each of you bakes extra, then divide up the goodies so everyone gets to take home several ready-to-eat-or-reheat items. And if baking is just too much for you, buy special holiday treats from the store or local bakery.

2. Plan ahead. Pick up Christmas gifts throughout the year to take advantage of sales. By buying a little at a time, purchases will have less impact on the checkbook and you'll save yourself the last minute hassle of dealing with crowded stores, long checkout lines, and traffic snarls. And you'll also avoid the post-holiday credit card statement shock.

3. Shop online. Many brick-and-mortar stores have an online presence in addition to those that are strictly virtual stores. Most now have secure websites to protect your personal information so you can feel confident using credit cards online. No need to brave inclement weather, deal with crowds, etc. Just shop, make your choices, and click, and your purchases will be delivered right to your door. You may find that many of your local stores are also online, so you can still "buy local."

4. Divide and conquer. If your adult children or friends are coming to your house for holiday dinner, divide up the menu and ask everyone to bring something to share. Take turns from year-to-year hosting the dinner, and ask family and friends to pitch in with preparation and clean-up chores.

5. Simplify the tree. If decorating a big tree is too much for you, downsize to a tabletop tree. And if the care and mess of a real tree is stressing you out, get an artificial one. Perhaps the fussiest part of tree decorating is getting the lights on it. Why not buy a pre-lighted, artificial tree? You can get them in various sizes, with a choice of white or colored lights, and they look nice once you've added your personal touches. This also avoids the mess of shed needles all over the house when you cart the tree outside after the holidays. And, it can save you money in the long run because artificial trees can be stored and reused for many years to come.

6. Downsize the decorations. If a smaller tree won't hold all your decorations, hang some from garlands or lights strung along staircases, around windows, along the edge of the ceiling, or from cupboard knobs--anywhere you can see and enjoy them. Rotate groups of decorations from year to year, or cut back on by giving some of your treasured keepsake ornaments to your adult children for their trees.

7. Draw names. As families grow, it gets more expensive and harder to know what to get for people. Instead of buying for everyone, draw names. There will still be packages under the tree, but there won't be the guilt of having overspent, or the risk of getting people something they neither want nor need. Or, if you prefer to give to everyone, agree to limit the dollar amount of the gifts or give homemade ones.

8. Think outside the box. Make a donation in someone's name to their favorite charity, and place an announcement of your gift under the tree. Give gift coupons for services you are willing to perform: cleaning their attic, basement, or garage; painting a room; helping to clear out clutter; catering one or more meals; babysitting; etc. "Adopt" an animal in their name to support wildlife, such as the program run by Defenders of Wildlife, or make a donation in their name to the local Humane Society.

Watch for more ideas Friday.

Can't Wait 'til Christmas, or Can't Wait 'til It's Over?

A few nights ago we watched the movie "Christmas Every Day" in which a little girl makes a wish that every day would be Christmas, much to the chagrin of her big brother, Billy. But if Billy thought he had it rough reliving Christmas day after day, what about parents?

As a child, the words I associated with the holidays were "festive," "bright," "joyful," "merry," "gay" (meaning joyful, glad, cheerful), "fun" and other positive words. Today, more often than not, Christmas is described with less positive adjectives: "hectic," "harrowing" (especially if your're in heavy traffic on snowy roads or in a crowd all trying to grab the last of this year's hot ticket item), "exhausting," "chaotic," and "over-commercialized." We've gone from "Can't wait 'til Christmas" to "Can't wait 'til it's over." And I began thinking about how Christmas is different for children than it is for adults, and why we look back with fond memories while dreading the present holiday season. Even those of us who love Christmas wouldn't want it every day of the year.

As children, we reap all the benefits without having to do any of the work. We build snowmen, go sledding and ice skating, build snow forts and have snowball fights, write letters to Santa, and sit on Santa's knee at the store telling him all the wonderful things we want him to bring us. We color holiday pictures, sing carols, and watch Christmas programs on TV. In short, we get to do the fun stuff. Meanwhile, what are our parents doing?

While we're out playing, our mothers slave over a hot stove baking special holiday goodies, buy and wrap gifts, disrupt an otherwise orderly household to make room for holiday decorations, address/lick/stamp countless cards, then cart those cards and packages for out of town friends and relatives to the post office where they wait in long, slow lines, often with cranky, tired children in tow. Then they must take those same cranky, tired children to see Santa, read them holiday stories, help them make or address their own Christmas cards, put up countless holiday pictures brought home from school, buy gifts for teachers, bake cookies for school parties, make costumes and coach lines for plays and pageants, then attend those plays, pageants, and concerts, too.

Mothers and fathers wrestle Christmas trees into stands, untangle and string lights only to discover--after the tree is all decorated--that some have burned out and need replacing, guide young hands in helping to decorate the tree, pretending not to care when old, treasured ornaments are dropped and broken, and turn a blind eye when the tree looks more messy than festive. Then, on Christmas Eve, they struggle to get excited children to sleep who are determined to stay awake to spy on Santa. By the time they have cleaned the house, finished the baking, wrapped the gifts and put them under the tree, stuffed the stockings, and climbed into bed long after midnight, parents are exhausted.

Then, often before the sun is up, the children are screaming, "He came! Santa came!" and heavy eyelids are pried open, smiles and bathrobes are put on, and parents try to oversee the opening of gifts, making sure one doesn't open another's toy, and refereeing when there are disputes over ownership or someone doesn't want to share. While children set off to play and fathers retreat to read the paper, mothers clean up the discarded wrapping paper and ribbons, put the room back in some semblance of order, then report to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Depending on the ages of the children, they help kids get dressed for the day, then back to the kitchen to prepare dinner and ready the house for guests. Setting the table, serving the meal, clearing the table, doing the dishes, and, if there are no visitors, perhaps finally getting a chance to sit down and relax for a minute. If there are guests, however, relaxation yields to conversation and seeing that visitors are entertained. Then the dinner process is repeated at supper time, the house has to be straightened up before bed, and by the time the children are settled for the night and company has gone home, mothers finally fall into bed, the day a total blur, thinking about the thank you notes they will have to write not only for themselves, but for each of their children--or at least oversee the writing of the children's thank you notes. That means more writing/sealing/stamping, and another trip to the post office. And then there are the trips to various stores to exchange things that are the wrong size, wrong style, or just plain wrong.

In some homes, the tree comes down Christmas Day, in some it stays up until New Year's Day, and in others until Twelfth Night (Epiphany). But at some point, the tree has to come down, and it is usually the mothers who have to remove and pack away the ornaments and lights, and help the father wrestle the tree out of the stand and out of the house for pickup by the sanitation department. Is it any wonder that parents are glad Christmas comes only once a year? And why do they go through all of this? So they can make wonderful memories for their own children to remember and cherish when they are grown.

Now that I'm getting older, I understand why my mother down-sized Christmas in later years. I, too, find the refrain "simplify, simplify" playing in my mind. Sometimes we have to minimize the work of Christmas in order to preserve the wonder of Christmas. After all, it's not the presents we need every day, but the presence--the spirit of Christmas that reaches out to others in selfless giving, stands up for those who are oppressed, and recognizes our common bond with our fellow man. If you have to cut back a bit in order to enjoy the season, isn't it better to downsize some of the trappings so you can perhaps rekindle some of that excitement and joy you had as a child?

Next time: Suggestions for Simplifying the Holidays

Lessons for the Living, Gifts for the Dying

Advent is a time when we think of birth and beginnings, stars and shepherds, decorations and Christmas carols, trees and gifts. But, sometimes, illness and death are a part of the holidays, as well. Just before Thanksgiving my son-in-law's family experienced the loss of two family members within a week of each other: one, the sudden, unexpected death of a beloved uncle; the other, the natural culmination of the long life of a grandmother. They are fortunate in that they have a large, close-knit family who know how to come together in difficult times for mutual comfort and support.

Others are not so lucky. In our culture we try to distance ourselves from death. We closet it away in hospitals and nursing homes, couch it in euphemisms, and sanitize it so we can put thoughts of our own mortality out of our minds instead of recognizing it as a normal, sometimes even welcome, part of life. So, as we think about giving, what can we give to the dying, and what can we learn from them?

Today, I would like to introduce you to someone who transformed his own personal experience of a cancer diagnosis, and the attendant fear and grieving, into a means of helping others, and, in the process, learned some valuable lessons which he is now sharing through his new book and a series of videos. I met Stan recently through Facebook, and now, I'd like you to meet him, too.

Stan Goldberg is a Professor Emeritus of Communicative Disorders at San Francisco State University. He has published six books and numerous articles dealing with loss and end of life issues. His latest book is Lessons for the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life. The MyShelf book reviewer says "it is a book to change the way you'll live the rest of your life."

Stan is also a regular columnist on opentohope.com, examiner.com, and the Hospice Volunteer Association's quarterly magazine. Other articles also appear on his website: http://stangoldbergwriter.com. He consults on issues of change and leads workshops for adults whose lives were suddenly and dramatically changed. He has been a bedside hospice volunteer for seven years and currently serves with Pathways Home Health Care and Hospice. He is the 2009 Hospice Volunteer Association's Volunteer of the Year.

When Stan was diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, instead of giving up or giving in to self-pity, he decided to learn about dying from those who were experiencing it by facing his fear and becoming a hospice volunteer. Being with, caring for, and listening to those at the end of life taught him much more than how to die--it changed how he viewed not only death, but life. In Lessons for the Living he shares some of those stories and lessons with the rest of us and, in so doing, reminds us that death is as natural as birth, and by understanding it and allowing it to be our teacher, our remaining time on earth can be transformed into a more joyful, meaningful experience.

In addition to his book, Stan has just added a series of twelve videos called "Helping Loved Ones Die," which you can access through his website or by going directly to YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SXtTTeHvGU&feature=related. In this series, Stan offers specific ways to make a loved one's last days and moments more comfortable and more meaningful so they can have closure and be at peace. I can think of no better gift to give them than that.

For more information about Stan, his books and articles, and to read an excerpt from the book, go to his website: http://stangoldbergwriter.com. His book is also available on Amazon and other outlets.

Withdrawal Symptoms and Returning to "Normal"

After blogging every day for a month, it felt strange NOT to blog yesterday, and today I'm experiencing what can only be called withdrawal symptoms. I even reread the first three chapters of my NaNo novel last night, correcting a typo here, doing a bit of rephrasing there, before reminding myself that I'm taking the month of December off to concentrate on the holidays.

Returning to "normal" is a process. It began yesterday with getting caught up on some much-needed sleep, reading some more of Death at Epsom Downs by Robin Paige (pseudonym for Bill and Susan Wittig Albert), and watching "The Bishop's Wife" on DVD--the original version with David Niven, Loretta Young, and Cary Grant. I also talked with my son and daughter-in-law, wishing them a happy anniversary--their second. Today, I had my last physical therapy appointment. It will seem strange not seeing my physical therapist, Jenn, after working with her for five months to get my hand back in shape. She's expecting her second child, another boy, in April, and I'll miss talking with her. We also called my father-in-law in South Carolina today to wish him a happy 80th birthday.

"Normal" also included our monthly trip to our local health food store to stock up on my gluten-free supplies and check out the new items they've added to their stock. I remember how truly awful gf foods were twenty years ago when I was first diagnosed with the condition. Really, the boxes tasted better than the contents! But now, there are so many delicious items to choose from, it's hard to decide what to have. Tonight it's lasagna, a salad, and gf cheesy garlic bread.

My husband and I are doing a "Countdown to Christmas" by watching a Christmas movie on TV, DVD, or VHS every night ending with "A Child's Christmas in Wales" on Christmas Eve--an annual tradition begun when my first child was a little girl. And tomorrow, I plan to start making room in the living room for the tree and start getting the decorations up in preparation for my son and daughter-in-law's visit from Chicago a week from tomorrow.

It feels good to know I accomplished what I set out to do in November. But it also feels good to return to my "normal" life, broaden my focus again, and fully embrace the Christmas season. What holidays do you celebrate in your family this season--Hanukkah? Christmas? Kwanzaa? Something else? How do you get ready for the holidays? What puts you in the holiday mood? Are you one of Santa's elves, or is the Grinch more your style? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

Day Nineteen: Ten Things I Know Because of NaNoWriMo

In researching background information for my NaNo novel, much of which is set in Stowe, Vermont, in 1870-1871, I've discovered some interesting bits of information, so thought I'd share a few.

Ten Things I Know Because of NaNoWriMo:

1. On October 21, 1870, in his "Thanksgiving Proclamation," President Ulysses S. Grant recommended "all citizens to meet in their respective places of worship on Thursday the 24th day of November next, there to give thanks for the bounty of God during the year about to close and to supplicate for its continuance hereafter." Presidents are allowed the freedom to call the nation to prayer, but cannot mandate either for or against it without violating a Constitutional Amendment or the separation of church and state.

2. Also, in 1870, President Grant officially made Christmas a US federal holiday.

3. People in America now know what Santa Claus looks like, thanks to cartoonist Thomas Nash who created Santa's image in 1863.

4. It was in the late 1800s that the focus of gift giving at Christmas began to shift away from its religious significance as a reminder of the gifts of the magi to the baby Jesus at Epiphany, to the more social emphasis of our modern celebrations.

5. Prior to 1838, Stowe was spelled without the "e."

6. In 1863, the Stowe Community Church was built for $12,000, significantly less than modern building projects cost.

7. The first school was erected in Stowe, VT, in 1800, eight years after a provision for public education was passed by the legislature. The District #6 Village School (Stowe High School) was built in 1861.

8. The Stowe Free Library was established in 1866, although the public library movement didn't really gain momentum until 1880.

9. Gold Brook Bridge (Emily's Bridge) was built in 1844, but the legend didn't exist prior to 1968. In one account, a high school girl claims to have gotten the story of Emily's death from her Ouija board; in another, the legend was told by a woman to scare her children and/or a group of college students in 1970.

10. At one time, Stowe had ten covered bridges. Emily's Bridge is the only one that still exists. (Maybe the other bridges should have housed ghosts!)

Bonus fact: Originally, Stowe belonged to Chittenden County, then Washington, and finally Lamoille. And did you know Lamoille got its name because of a cartographer's mistake? It was originally Lamoitte, but the mapmaker forgot to cross his "t's."

Let that be a lesson to us writers. Have a good editor check your manuscripts to make sure you've dotted your "i"s and cross your "t"s, or what is left for posterity might not be what you intended.