How Can Anyone Stay Positive in the Midst of Tragedy?

Just two weeks ago we entered 2010 with a sense of optimism and hope for a better year...just as we do every New Year's Day. For many of us, the last strains of "Auld Lang Syne" were still ringing in our ears, and "Happy New Year" was still on our lips, when things seemed to take a nosedive.

Shortly before 2009 ended, my son-in-law's uncle died suddenly, and a week later his fraternal grandmother passed away -- a very rough ending to the old year. Then, less than two weeks into the new year, his maternal grandmother also died. A couple of days later, a 7.0 earthquake leveled much of the island country of Haiti, leaving unimaginable death and destruction in its wake. Local newscasts reported that car and snowmobile accidents had taken the lives of other people's family members, and a talented folk artist took his own life. Both close to home, and on a broader scale, it didn't look like 2010 was off to a very auspicious start after all.

How can anyone stay positive when their world is turned upside down by the loss of a loved one, the devastation of a natural disaster, the loss of a job, the breakup of a marriage, the diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness, or countless other things that make us ask "Why?" and want to throw up our hands and hide in a dark corner.

If you're looking for an answer, I don't have one...at least, not the one you may be looking for. It's natural to ask "why" or "why me" when bad things happen to us, to those we care about, or even to strangers who live half a world away. And, unfortunately, it's human nature to want to point the finger in blame.

Being positive does NOT mean ignoring the reality of injustice and human suffering. It does NOT mean pasting a phony smile on my face and telling the world I'm "just fine" when I'm not. It does NOT mean living in denial, spouting empty platitudes, or pretending to have all the answers. What it DOES mean is doing my best to respond to negative things, people, comments, situations in a positive way instead of becoming negative myself. I can rail against the injustice of a country being senselessly reduced to rubble, but that won't help alleviate the suffering of its people or rebuild their homes. I can pronounce angry judgment on those who abuse children, commit murder, or torture helpless animals, but that won't help the victims or comfort those they leave behind, nor will it put the criminals behind bars. I can blame my company, my boss, my coworkers, or the President for losing my job or my home, but that won't provide shelter or food for my family, nor will it help me find employment.

When we ask "why," we're often asking the wrong question. Unless we know the answer to "why" and can do something about it, that question only serves to keep us focused on the negative and prevents us from doing anything constructive. "Why" either makes us look outward for someone else to blame, or makes us look inward to blame ourselves, making us feel guilty and depressed. So, if "why" is the wrong question, what are the right ones?

Asking "how" or "what" is much more productive when faced with negatives. For example, with the disaster in Haiti, it helps no one to ask why this happened. But if we ask "how" or "what," those questions can be answered and produce positive action to alleviate suffering. We can pray for the people of Haiti. We can donate money to relief efforts. Some can even volunteer as relief workers and go to Haiti to personally lend their strength, time, and energy to assist those in need.

What about things closer to home? If we lose a job, we can ask what we need to do to find a new one, and take positive action: update a resume, start reading job ads and setting up interviews with prospective employers, see what lessons and skills have been learned at the old job that may help us to be a more desirable employee. We can also ask how we can manage until that happens and take action on that front: register for unemployment, see where we can cut expenses, sell things we don't need, apply to a temp agency while looking for permanent work.

What about other negative news items: a family whose home burned, animal cruelty, child abduction? For some, positive action might mean turning off the TV to avoid depression. For others, it might mean donating new or gently used items to replace what the fire victims lost, volunteering at the local humane society or donating to one of the many animal relief organizations, or signing up for Amber Alerts on their computer.

The next time you find yourself asking "why" or "why me," stop and ask yourself two things: (1) does this question have a cause/effect answer, and, if so (2) will the answer help change the situation or make me feel better? If the answer to these questions is "no," consider asking some "how" or "what" questions that will result in positive action.

Staying positive isn't easy, and we need to be gentle with ourselves, and forgive ourselves when we fail. It takes work, practice, and patience in the daily-ness of life. It is a discipline to cultivate, not a prize to be won. Sometimes, the most positive thing we can do initially is to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, give ourselves time to grieve, reach out for support, and just keep breathing. But eventually, we need to take action, to move forward. And, sometimes, when we reach beyond our own need to help someone else, we'll suddenly realize that we've found the strength to meet our own as well.

How do you deal with negative people/situations? What keeps you going when you feel like giving up? What helps you stay positive when bad things happen? Share your thoughts in the comments section. You can also share your daily gratitude list for the past week.

"What If...?" Challenge: How Was Your First Week?

We are one full week into Year 2010, so it's time for a progress update on the "What If...?" challenge. As with any new venture, there is a lot of excitement in the beginning, and perhaps that's partly why this has been such a good week. Whatever the reason--adrenaline, commitment, a favorable alignment of the planets, or the grace of God--it has been very encouraging. Often, it's just little things that mean the most. This week I have been thankful for, or glad about, the following:

1/1 -- being able to enjoy on TV the full two-hour broadcast of the Tournament of Roses Parade after missing it the past several years;

1/2 -- that my NaNoWriMo writing buddy wants to continue being writing buddies throughout the year;

1/3 -- that my daughter and son-in-law made it safely home through the storm that dumped over 3 feet of snow on us today;

1/4 -- for our wonderful maintenance crew who worked tirelessly to shovel us out; that my daughter was able to retain a snow removal service for my mom's property--huge relief;

1/5 -- for Eagle Brand replying so quickly to my inquiry asking if None Such Mincemeat was gluten-free: it is! Also, for calls from my son and one of my daughters; that four more people are virtually fostering dogs through Save A Dog on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/SaveADog?v=info) in response to my invitation to join me in sponsoring; and for delicious, frozen gluten-free meals for when I'm just not up to cooking;

1/6 -- that the items I'd ordered for friends came today so I could wrap them (the items, not the friends) and send them on their way;

1/7 -- that I was able to get my hair cut, and that another writer has agreed to do a guest post on my blog when his new book is released in the spring.

As for my goals for this year, I have broken them down into doable steps for each month, week, and day. My major goals for January are to (1) begin revisions on my WIP (work in progress)--started on 1/4, (2) declutter one day a week--started on 1/7, (3) join two off-line writers' groups--not yet, (4) mail package off to brother and sister-in-law--not yet (different from package mentioned above).

So, how was YOUR first week? Did you devise a workable plan to achieve your goals or resolutions? Were you able to find at least one thing each day for which to be grateful? If you struggled with either or both of these, how can we support you in getting back on track? Post your goals, gratitude list, or struggles in the "Comments" section.

For help in setting realistic goals, check out these resources:

http://www.womensconference.org/make-resolutions/ -- Mary Jane Ryan--life coach, change expert, speaker, and author of such books as Adaptability: How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For; This Year I Will; Happiness Makeover; and Attitudes of Gratitude.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/TristanLoo5.html -- Explains how to use the S.M.A.R.T. acronym to set achievable goals.

http://www.ehow.com/topic_454_tips-keeping-new-year-resolutions.html -- List of articles with tips for keeping New Year resolutions.

Suzanne Beecher: Living in Mayberry

Since writing my New Year's post and embarking on the "What If...?" challenge--to find at least one thing each day for which to be thankful, and trying to focus on the positive this year--it seems I keep coming across articles, blog posts, and quotes by others who are sharing the same or a similar message. Suzanne Beecher's "Dear Reader" column for January 6, 2010, is just one example and, with her permission, I'm reprinting it below. First, however, I'd like to take a minute to introduce you to Suzanne and the book clubs.

Suzanne has owned a restaurant, founded and published a business magazine, founded a non-profit program to feed the homeless, and home-schooled her youngest son. In addition to writing her daily column at DearReader.com, she designs book clubs for publishers, book sellers, and libraries across the country. Her book Muffins and Mayhem: Recipes for a Happy--if disorderly---Life debuts in June of 2010 (Touchstone).

When you sign up for one of her various genre book clubs, you will receive an e-mail on Monday through Friday with a portion from a book that will take about five minutes to read--just the thing to go with a cup of coffee to start your day, or as a mid-day break. By the end of the week, you'll know whether or not you want to add that book to your "To Read" list. Suzanne also has many contests and give-aways for her readers. Reading her column is like receiving a note from a dear friend, and her sense of humor will have you smiling even if you've been having a bad day. So, I'd like to invite you to sign up and read along with her and 375,000 other people (including me) every day at her online book clubs at www.DearReader.com And now, Suzanne...

Dear Reader,

I do my best writing when I'm living in Mayberry. Yes, I live in Sarasota, Florida, but in my mind I spend a lot of time sitting on the front porch of my house in Mayberry, three streets over from the courthouse where Andy and Barney are keeping the peace. I make different choices since I've taken up residence in Mayberry. Life is more fun in the slow lane and I rarely watch anything violent, which includes the evening news. Murders, children being abducted, cruelty to animals, folks just being downright nasty to each other, I realize these things go on every day; but watching them being replayed hundreds of times on television, or reading about them day after day, wouldn't help the victims or do anything good for my life, either.

The folks in Mayberry have problems, but they try to find gracious ways of solving them and they're polite even when someone deserves less. Not being born and raised in Mayberry, I'm far from being a model citizen. I try my best, but sometimes I still lose my temper and have to chase nasty thoughts out of my mind. But I've discovered that spending time in Mayberry, surrounded by people who try their best to live a good life, it's rubbing off on me and I like how I feel.

Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends.

Suzanne Beecher

Suzanne@DearReader.com

My blog: http://dearreader.typepad.com/

Book clubs: www.DearReader.com

"A Friend to Readers and Libraries"

If you'd like to help promote the book clubs, here is a link to flyers Suzanne has put together. If you could print off a few and hand them out, she would appreciate it.

http://www.supportlibrary.com/nl/users/test/mweb/path23-5.html

["Dear Reader" column reprinted by permission.]

What If...?

Today is the last day of 2009 and, like most years, it has brought its share of good times and bad, births and deaths, victories and challenges. Although the turning of a calendar page doesn't automatically wipe the slate clean, we always think of the "new year" as an opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. Yet, many (most) new year's resolutions fail even before the first week of January is over, and we find we've brought last year's baggage along with us into the new one.

BUT... What if we decided that 2010 was going to be the year:

...to be thankful for what we have, instead of bemoaning what we lack?

...to stop saying negative things about others, and instead look for the good in them--even those with whom we disagree?

...to take action to DO good, instead of just talking about it?

...to help others achieve their potential, instead of tearing them down?

...to change ourselves, our attitudes, instead of trying to change others?

...to seek to live in harmony with nature, instead of destroying it out of greed or ignorance?

...to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, to check things out first-hand, instead of believing rumors, whether verbal or written, and passing them on to others?

...to refuse to pass on to others ANYTHING we would not want passed on about ourselves?

We have a choice. We can enter the new year with the same old attitudes, the same prejudices, the same certainty that we are right and everyone else is wrong. Or, we can admit that, just maybe, we, too, are fallible human beings, subject to misunderstanding and being misunderstood, and subject to the same failings and uncertainties as others. We can choose to forgive, and enjoy the subsequent freedom from carrying those hurts around with us all the time. We can choose to learn from the lessons of the past without constantly reliving in the present the events that taught us those lessons. We can choose to let old wounds heal, without repeatedly subjecting ourselves to the same things that wounded us in the first place. We can choose to forgive ourselves when we fail to be the person we wish we were. In short, we can give ourselves and others permission to be human.

What kind of year would that be?

This coming year, I'd like to challenge you to find at least one good thing each day--one thing to be thankful for. And if you can't find anything to be glad about on a given day, you can always be glad that day is over and you can start over the next. Will you join me in this challenge? If so, please post your comments below. Let's see what kind of a year 2010 will be if we choose to look for the good in it and in each other.

Wishing all of my family and friends a happy, healthy, peaceful, safe, and uplifting new year.

Simplify the Holidays -- Part II

Welcome back! Today I'm continuing with suggestions for ways to simplify the holidays. If you have more ideas, please share them in the comments section.

9. Embrace e-cards. Cut the cost of Christmas cards by sending online greetings to as many people on your list as possible. And if you send regular cards, buy them on sale, make them out, and mail them early. Check out your local dollar store's card section, too--you might be surprised at their nice selection.

10. Write it once. Instead of individual notes, write a Christmas letter. If you're not sure how to do this without coming across as bragging or sounding cheesy, there are templates and sample letters online to help you. Writing all the information once, then photocopying it, saves a great deal of time yet gives others an idea of what's been happening in your life. Keep a copy of these letters in a binder as a keepsake history of your family.

11. Window lights. Instead of outlining the windows with strings of lights, put an electric candle in each window. They look nice and are much quicker and easier to put up and take down. Just make sure cords and outlets can't be accessed by pets and children, and secure the bases so they can't tip over.

12. Opt for artificial. Buy an artificial wreath or swag for the door. As with an artificial tree, these can be stored and reused for many years, saving you time and the effort of shopping for or making a real one.

13. Pick and choose. There are many holiday concerts, plays, and parties this time of year. Don't try to do everything. Choose one or two things that are meaningful for you, and do something different next year. Another entertainment option is to invest in DVDs of favorite holiday films and concerts to enjoy at home. We have been using our collection of Christmas programs as a "countdown to Christmas" this year, and enjoying it immensely.

14. Take time out. When you feel yourself getting stressed out, take a break to recharge your batteries. Fix a cup of tea or hot chocolate, get comfy in a chair, turn on the Christmas lights, and listen to some holiday music. Watch the birds at the feeder, or the children outside building a snowman--or go build a snowman yourself. Take a warm bubble bath, or add relaxing bath salts to the water. Read a book with a holiday theme. Breathe!

15. Focus on people, not projects. Watching holiday programs together is enjoyable, but do other activities together, too. Have a Christmas sing-along. Make Christmas cookies together. Pop some popcorn and make a cranberry-popcorn chain for the tree, then put it out for the birds after the holidays are over. Read Christmas stories out loud as a family. Play games or make a puzzle. Gifts may be forgotten, but memories will last a lifetime.

16. Give to others. There are many charitable organizations that need help this time of year. Donate change you've collected throughout the year to a charity. Donate your time by cooking a hot meal and serving it at a local homeless shelter. Donate non-perishable items to your local food shelf. Have your children take old toys and games that they no longer play with and that are in good condition, and donate them for others to enjoy. If a local bank or other organization has a mitten tree or giving tree, donate to that. And don't forget homeless animals, too. Animal shelters are always in need of food, treats, used blankets, towels, paper products, etc. Charities often put their list of needs online or in the local newspaper, or you can call and ask how to help.

At the end of "A Garfield Christmas," Garfield says, "Christmas...it's not the giving, it's not the getting, it's the loving." Presents are a symbol of the love we have for one another; but it's the giver, not the gift, that is important. As the poem by Christina Rosetti, set to an Irish tune, says, "Love came down at Christmas, Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Star and angels gave the sign." So, cut back on the commercial aspects of Christmas, slow down the pace, simplify to minimize the stress, but magnify the love.

Simplify the Holidays -- Part I

Last Saturday, in preparation for our family's early Christmas celebration while our son and daughter-in-law were here from Chicago, my husband and I put up our tree. Sounds simple, right? Take the tree out of the box, assemble the trunk and branches, add lights, garland, and decorations. Voila! Well, not quite. Last Saturday was a really bad pain day for me, so I had to keep sitting down. It took five hours to get the tree up and decorated! Once the tree was done, I was done in, and there was no way I was going to be able to put up the window lights or the garland along the post and railing on our staircase. Amid my lamenting the inability to do things the way I used to, my husband, who is part Santa Claus and part wiseman, said, "Next year, let's get a smaller tree and downsize our decorating." We decided that if that's what it takes to keep our "ho, ho, ho" from turning into "bah, humbug," so be it.

There are many reasons why the holidays can be overwhelming. Perhaps you, too, live with the challenges of chronic pain and illness, or you're getting older and just don't have the energy anymore, or perhaps you're juggling a family and a full-time job, and your hands are too full to take on the added responsibilities and stresses of providing a "fun, old-fashioned family Christmas" like Clark Griswold in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." We remember how much fun the holidays were when we were kids, but now it just seems like too much work. So, how can we preserve the enjoyment while cutting back on the stress? See if some of these suggestions might help.

1. Bake ahead and freeze. Many cookie, candy, and cake recipes can be made ahead of time, baked, and stored in the freezer. Fruit pies can be put together and frozen, unbaked, then put in the oven when you're ready to use them. For added fun, get a couple of friends together for a group "bake-in," where each of you bakes extra, then divide up the goodies so everyone gets to take home several ready-to-eat-or-reheat items. And if baking is just too much for you, buy special holiday treats from the store or local bakery.

2. Plan ahead. Pick up Christmas gifts throughout the year to take advantage of sales. By buying a little at a time, purchases will have less impact on the checkbook and you'll save yourself the last minute hassle of dealing with crowded stores, long checkout lines, and traffic snarls. And you'll also avoid the post-holiday credit card statement shock.

3. Shop online. Many brick-and-mortar stores have an online presence in addition to those that are strictly virtual stores. Most now have secure websites to protect your personal information so you can feel confident using credit cards online. No need to brave inclement weather, deal with crowds, etc. Just shop, make your choices, and click, and your purchases will be delivered right to your door. You may find that many of your local stores are also online, so you can still "buy local."

4. Divide and conquer. If your adult children or friends are coming to your house for holiday dinner, divide up the menu and ask everyone to bring something to share. Take turns from year-to-year hosting the dinner, and ask family and friends to pitch in with preparation and clean-up chores.

5. Simplify the tree. If decorating a big tree is too much for you, downsize to a tabletop tree. And if the care and mess of a real tree is stressing you out, get an artificial one. Perhaps the fussiest part of tree decorating is getting the lights on it. Why not buy a pre-lighted, artificial tree? You can get them in various sizes, with a choice of white or colored lights, and they look nice once you've added your personal touches. This also avoids the mess of shed needles all over the house when you cart the tree outside after the holidays. And, it can save you money in the long run because artificial trees can be stored and reused for many years to come.

6. Downsize the decorations. If a smaller tree won't hold all your decorations, hang some from garlands or lights strung along staircases, around windows, along the edge of the ceiling, or from cupboard knobs--anywhere you can see and enjoy them. Rotate groups of decorations from year to year, or cut back on by giving some of your treasured keepsake ornaments to your adult children for their trees.

7. Draw names. As families grow, it gets more expensive and harder to know what to get for people. Instead of buying for everyone, draw names. There will still be packages under the tree, but there won't be the guilt of having overspent, or the risk of getting people something they neither want nor need. Or, if you prefer to give to everyone, agree to limit the dollar amount of the gifts or give homemade ones.

8. Think outside the box. Make a donation in someone's name to their favorite charity, and place an announcement of your gift under the tree. Give gift coupons for services you are willing to perform: cleaning their attic, basement, or garage; painting a room; helping to clear out clutter; catering one or more meals; babysitting; etc. "Adopt" an animal in their name to support wildlife, such as the program run by Defenders of Wildlife, or make a donation in their name to the local Humane Society.

Watch for more ideas Friday.

Can't Wait 'til Christmas, or Can't Wait 'til It's Over?

A few nights ago we watched the movie "Christmas Every Day" in which a little girl makes a wish that every day would be Christmas, much to the chagrin of her big brother, Billy. But if Billy thought he had it rough reliving Christmas day after day, what about parents?

As a child, the words I associated with the holidays were "festive," "bright," "joyful," "merry," "gay" (meaning joyful, glad, cheerful), "fun" and other positive words. Today, more often than not, Christmas is described with less positive adjectives: "hectic," "harrowing" (especially if your're in heavy traffic on snowy roads or in a crowd all trying to grab the last of this year's hot ticket item), "exhausting," "chaotic," and "over-commercialized." We've gone from "Can't wait 'til Christmas" to "Can't wait 'til it's over." And I began thinking about how Christmas is different for children than it is for adults, and why we look back with fond memories while dreading the present holiday season. Even those of us who love Christmas wouldn't want it every day of the year.

As children, we reap all the benefits without having to do any of the work. We build snowmen, go sledding and ice skating, build snow forts and have snowball fights, write letters to Santa, and sit on Santa's knee at the store telling him all the wonderful things we want him to bring us. We color holiday pictures, sing carols, and watch Christmas programs on TV. In short, we get to do the fun stuff. Meanwhile, what are our parents doing?

While we're out playing, our mothers slave over a hot stove baking special holiday goodies, buy and wrap gifts, disrupt an otherwise orderly household to make room for holiday decorations, address/lick/stamp countless cards, then cart those cards and packages for out of town friends and relatives to the post office where they wait in long, slow lines, often with cranky, tired children in tow. Then they must take those same cranky, tired children to see Santa, read them holiday stories, help them make or address their own Christmas cards, put up countless holiday pictures brought home from school, buy gifts for teachers, bake cookies for school parties, make costumes and coach lines for plays and pageants, then attend those plays, pageants, and concerts, too.

Mothers and fathers wrestle Christmas trees into stands, untangle and string lights only to discover--after the tree is all decorated--that some have burned out and need replacing, guide young hands in helping to decorate the tree, pretending not to care when old, treasured ornaments are dropped and broken, and turn a blind eye when the tree looks more messy than festive. Then, on Christmas Eve, they struggle to get excited children to sleep who are determined to stay awake to spy on Santa. By the time they have cleaned the house, finished the baking, wrapped the gifts and put them under the tree, stuffed the stockings, and climbed into bed long after midnight, parents are exhausted.

Then, often before the sun is up, the children are screaming, "He came! Santa came!" and heavy eyelids are pried open, smiles and bathrobes are put on, and parents try to oversee the opening of gifts, making sure one doesn't open another's toy, and refereeing when there are disputes over ownership or someone doesn't want to share. While children set off to play and fathers retreat to read the paper, mothers clean up the discarded wrapping paper and ribbons, put the room back in some semblance of order, then report to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Depending on the ages of the children, they help kids get dressed for the day, then back to the kitchen to prepare dinner and ready the house for guests. Setting the table, serving the meal, clearing the table, doing the dishes, and, if there are no visitors, perhaps finally getting a chance to sit down and relax for a minute. If there are guests, however, relaxation yields to conversation and seeing that visitors are entertained. Then the dinner process is repeated at supper time, the house has to be straightened up before bed, and by the time the children are settled for the night and company has gone home, mothers finally fall into bed, the day a total blur, thinking about the thank you notes they will have to write not only for themselves, but for each of their children--or at least oversee the writing of the children's thank you notes. That means more writing/sealing/stamping, and another trip to the post office. And then there are the trips to various stores to exchange things that are the wrong size, wrong style, or just plain wrong.

In some homes, the tree comes down Christmas Day, in some it stays up until New Year's Day, and in others until Twelfth Night (Epiphany). But at some point, the tree has to come down, and it is usually the mothers who have to remove and pack away the ornaments and lights, and help the father wrestle the tree out of the stand and out of the house for pickup by the sanitation department. Is it any wonder that parents are glad Christmas comes only once a year? And why do they go through all of this? So they can make wonderful memories for their own children to remember and cherish when they are grown.

Now that I'm getting older, I understand why my mother down-sized Christmas in later years. I, too, find the refrain "simplify, simplify" playing in my mind. Sometimes we have to minimize the work of Christmas in order to preserve the wonder of Christmas. After all, it's not the presents we need every day, but the presence--the spirit of Christmas that reaches out to others in selfless giving, stands up for those who are oppressed, and recognizes our common bond with our fellow man. If you have to cut back a bit in order to enjoy the season, isn't it better to downsize some of the trappings so you can perhaps rekindle some of that excitement and joy you had as a child?

Next time: Suggestions for Simplifying the Holidays