It's Not Easy Being Green

Even Kermit the Frog from Sesame Street had to admit, "It's not easy being green," perhaps, in part, because the word "green" performs so many different functions in the English language.

As a child, probably the first thing I learned about the word green was that it is a color, and could be made by mixing blue and yellow. Green is abundant in our world. It is the color of grass, leaves, certain insects, moss, pond scum, four-leaf clovers, paper money (until the US got more colorful with its currency), and my favorite outfit. It is also a category of vegetables, and my mother always told us to eat our greens: lettuce, cabbage, broccoli, peas, zucchini, green beans, green peppers, olives, avocados. A green salad was often served with dinner, and in the summer we looked forward to cooked greens: beet greens (especially if the tiny beets were still attached), spinach, Swiss chard, and more. A green light meant "go"--if it faced you, it was safe to cross the street; if it faced oncoming cars, you'd be smart to wait until the light changed. If you were given the "green light" at work, it meant you could proceed with your project.

Green could also mean that something wasn't ripe. I learned quickly that green concord grapes were sour, green bananas were hard, but green tomatoes were delicious if dipped in egg and cornflake crumbs and fried. Green wine meant it hadn't fully matured and was apt to have a harsh, acidic flavor. Green lumber had to dry out before it could be used in building, and furniture made with green wood could splinter when it dried out or pull apart at the joinings. Using green wood in your fireplace would smoke up the house. Green pottery hadn't yet been fired in a kiln, and green cement wasn't fully dried out and hardened, as we discovered when my dog left paw prints in the newly poured foundation of the breezeway connecting the house with the garage.

Someone new on the job was green, meaning inexperienced. And, if he'd been working a while but still made mistakes or didn't understand, he was considered "still green." A green recruit was one who had just enlisted in the service; and if he wore his "greens," it meant he had on his blue-green uniform. People from the West referred to people from the East who moved West as "greenhorns." A person could be green with envy, or turn green if he was going to be sick. And if you came here from another country, you had to have your "green card" if you didn't want to get into trouble with the Immigration Service.

At Christmas time, churches celebrate the "hanging of the greens," which means they decorate the church with evergreen boughs. And you hope you won't be short of "green" (money) so you can buy presents for everyone.

A town square or common is often referred to as the "village green." Closely cropped grass at a golf course might be referred to as the "putting green," a shooting range for archery is also called the "green," and a "bowling green" was used for lawn bowling.

Song titles and lyrics even used the word green in them. We listened to "The Ballad of the Green Beret" by Barry Sadler, "Bowling Green" by the Everly Brothers, "The Green, Green, Grass of Home" by Tom Jones, "The Green Leaves of Summer" by the Brothers Four, "Green, Green" by the Kingston Trio, and even the theme song from the TV show, "Green Acres."

Today, the word "green" also refers to something that is environmentally friendly. We have green computers, green cars, green fuels, green (natural) fibers, green jobs, and countless web sites that teach us ways in which to "green" our homes by using fuel efficient and environmentally sound appliances and products. And every year communities celebrate Green-up Day in the spring, when people volunteer to go out and pick up litter in their neighborhoods and along the highways.

Even the health industry has gone "green." Green smoothies are promoted as an easy, delicious way of getting in the recommended daily servings of fruits and vegetables. Green smoothies are rich in vitamins and other nutrients, are satisfying, give you energy, and can even help you lose weight or maintain your ideal weight. You can find recipes, articles, and how-to videos at such sites as Incredible Smoothies (www.incrediblesmoothies.com) and their soon-to-be-launched sister site, Incredible Raw (www.incredibleraw.com).

So, if you're feeling blue, are in a black mood, you're having trouble with some gray areas, or even if life is rosy and you're in the pink of health, maybe what you need is a little "green" in your life. As Kermit says at the end of the song, "I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful, and I think it's what I want to be."

The Longest Night

Today is the anniversary of my father's death forty-eight years ago. He died the day before my oldest brother's birthday, and just two and a half weeks before mine. My father had rarely been sick, and had never missed work due to illness. He always said that the day he couldn't go to work was the day he would die.

That morning, I remember my mother calling to me, worry and urgency in her voice. When I emerged from my bedroom, my father was sitting on the bathroom floor, my mother steadying him so he wouldn't fall over. She told me to take her place while she ran to the phone to call for an ambulance. He had vomited blood, then collapsed from weakness. Two weeks earlier, he had been diagnosed with what the doctor thought was the flu and told to stay home from work and go to bed. Today, it was clear that something much more than the flu was wrong with him, and what he'd said about not being able to go to work went through my mind.

For years, my father had been plagued by heartburn. Today, he most likely would have been given medication to treat his symptoms and protect his esophagus, but back then he was told to take an antacid, such as Tums, and cut out spicy foods. He was rushed to the hospital, tests were done, and we received the diagnosis--cancer of the esophagus. Surgery was the only thing that might save his life, and the odds were 80/20 against him. But when the doctors opened him up, the odds dropped to zero--every organ in his body, except his heart, had been invaded by cancer. The doctors said they were amazed he had kept going as long as he did, and that there was nothing they could do. They closed him up, returned him to his room, and the family took up vigil at the foot of his bed, waiting for him to wake up. He never did.

I remember sitting in his darkened room with my mother, my three brothers, and my aunt. I remember the nurse speaking to my father, trying to wake him from the anesthesia. I remember the sound of his breathing, the sounds of monitors to which he was connected, and the sound of the clock on the wall. When he stopped breathing, all of the other sounds stopped, too...except for the ticking of that clock. In addition to losing my father, I felt I had lost my sense of security, as well as my childhood.

The Longest Night

When I was thirteen,

I sat beside my mother

at the foot of his bed,

listening to the steady

t-i-c-k, t-i-c-k, t-i-c-k

of the clock on the wall,

to the steady

drip - drip - drip of the IV,

the s t e a d y

R I S E and f a l l

as the lungs

F I L L, e m p t y, F I L L

as the nurse takes his pulse,

as the light outside grays to dusk,

blackens to night,

as the steady

t-i-c-k, t-i-c-k, t-i-c-k

of the clock on the wall

counts out my father's life

second by second,

as the drip - drip - drip - of the IV goes on,

the breathing becomes labored

the chest RISES . . . p a u s e s . . . fa l l s,

and the lungs begin shutting down

as the nurse takes his pulse again

and shakes her head,

and the steady t-i-c-k, t-i-c-k, t-i-c-k

of the clock goes on,

the chest R I S E S . . . f a l l s . . . stops,

as the nurse removes the IV,

and shakes her head,

the light of my childhood

grays to dusk,

blackens to night,

and he's gone.

--Donna B. Russell

© March 30, 2005

Snow Days

A few nights ago on the news, the reporter said there had been snow in forty-nine states, with Hawaii being the only exception. I know that many of my friends have been shoveling most of the winter, with snowfalls of two to three feet burying not only lawns, but decks, cars, and shrubs. But in my little corner of Vermont we have only had one significant snowfall, and for most of the winter we've had bare, or nearly bare, ground. For the most part, temperatures, too, have been unseasonably mild...not like when I was growing up.

It seems to me, that when I was a child, we had to really bundle up all winter--thermal underwear, flannel shirts, winter weight slacks or woolen skirts, thick tights and knee-high socks, heavy sweaters, wool jackets or coats, warm woolen mittens, scarves, hats, and fleece-lined boots. It took so long to get ready to go out that we didn't have much time to play before an early dusk, and we were called in for supper.

I remember hiking up the hill to school, sometimes knee-deep in snow because the sidewalks hadn't yet been cleared, arriving at my classroom with numb, red cheeks and nose, and mittens, snowpants, and boots caked with snow. There were times when we had so much snow during the morning that school was canceled in the afternoon and we were sent home to enjoy our unexpected half-holiday sledding or building snow forts and having snowball fights with friends, or building snowmen. Mothers listened to local radio stations while preparing breakfast, waiting for those fateful school cancellations, that meant their plans for the day would be altered because the kids would be staying home. Children also listened to the radio while getting ready for school, hoping to hear the announcement of liberation before they headed out the door. No matter what the conditions, my father would always tell us that we "had it easy," not like when he was a boy. "We didn't have snow days," he'd say, then launch into one of his stories about walking for miles in blizzard conditions to get an education.

Several years ago, while taking a writing course online, my father's tales and a winter photograph inspired the following poem. I want to dedicate this to my friends who have had more than their share of snow days this winter, and to those of us who wish we had at least one or two.

Do you have a favorite "snow days" memory? Please share it in the comments section.

SNOW DAYS

Outside,

Gray-limbed skeletons bow and sway

While verdant maidens curtsy in the wind.

Cherry-red barns with powdered sugar roofs

And lemon-meringue windows wait to welcome

Plaid-clad farmers come to milk rust-brown cows.

Across the street, the white-robed church

Points a gray, bony finger toward a steel blue sky.

Inside,

Golden pancakes, gilded with butter,

Line up to be baptized in maple syrup.

Clouds of whipped cream

Swim in mud-brown lakes of cocoa.

Bacon snaps and crackles in the black-backed skillet

Of scrambled eggs and homefries.

Chairs scrape, voices blend in a medley

Of "good morning," "pass the potatoes,"

And "Thank You, God, for food to eat..."

Bob clicks on the radio, a voice crackles--

"Because of the snow, no school today..."

And the rest is drowned in loud hurrahs

As mother groans, and father says, again,

"When I was a boy, we didn't have snow days."

--Donna B. Russell

© March 13, 2005

Little Things

Last week was very busy, one of those in which "life" intruded on my plans, resulting in very few checkmarks on my To Do List. All of a sudden, it's the middle of another week, and I wonder, "Where did the time go?" If you're like me, there are times when it seems too many things demand your attention--those pesky "urgent" things that hound you during the day and keep you from falling asleep at night. Suddenly, mole hills become mountains, draining energy like a hole in a levee, until you're drowning in a flood of undone tasks, including overdue blog entries. Yet, it seems that when we are caught up in busy-ness, it's then that we are more likely to feel we haven't accomplished anything, and life seems empty.

The other day, while reading my Twitter feed, I came across this comment by Mariel Hemingway: "Life is full when you pay attention to the little things." Is that what's missing, I wondered? Do we get so caught up in the multitude of demands on our time that we fail to notice the "little things" that make our lives worth living? Those things that, if we would pause for a moment to notice, would add joy, laughter, and balance to an otherwise stressful day? What would happen if we consciously looked for those things, took even a minute, off and on throughout our day, to seek out the little, everyday, extraordinarily ordinary things?

Weekend before last, I wasn't looking forward to my week. It began on Monday with a dental appointment--just a regular semi-annual cleaning and checkup. No big deal...except that, from the time I was a child, I have felt panic when facing a dentist, my earliest experiences having been just short of torture. It has taken me fifty years to get to where I can sit in the chair without shaking, but there is always that underlying apprehension. Fortunately, my dentist and hygienist understand, and do everything they can to minimize my anxiety. The appointment was uneventful--no cavities, no problems, no shaking chair, and my teeth will remain in their place of origin. So, what "little things" helped to transform a highlly stressful experience into a much less stressful one? Things like my hygienist keeping the back of the chair elevated more than usual because she knew my back was hurting that day, giving me a second cup to rinse out in so I didn't have to twist to use the sink (I can't stand the squirt and suction option), and chatting with me about my kids, her kids, our pets, so that the time passed quickly. As a result, I forgot to be nervous! Her little attentions and accommodations to my needs made all the difference.

Tuesday, we not only had to take our new cat, Micau, for her first vet checkup, but our dog Mindy had a slight problem that needed a professional hand. I was grateful that they were able to squeeze her in before Micau's appointment so that we didn't have to make two trips. Our vet, too, does "little things" that make us and our animals more comfortable during our visits. She bubbles over with love for her job and for her patients, and you can't help smiling as soon as she enters the room. She takes time to pat and talk to them, to answer our questions, involves us in the decision-making process regarding their healthcare, and isn't afraid to show emotion when an animal has to be put down. Her willingness to make herself vulnerable, and the genuine love she shows for our animals, in addition to her skill, makes me trust her and puts our furry companions at ease. Oh, and another "little thing"--she tossed in a complimentary nail trim for Micau.

Thursday, I was scheduled for a bone density scan and spinal x-rays. Knowing I'd have to lay flat on my painful back, I was dreading both. Although it hurt to lie absolutely flat with my feet strapped together for the first test, the technician talked with me the whole time, reassuring me that it wouldn't take long and that I was doing great, and asking me questions to help keep my mind off the discomfort. From there I went to x-ray, where the technician not only gave me an extra pillow, but allowed me to bend my knees, relieving the stress on my back. She, too, made sure I was as comfortable as possible and worked quickly. The extra kindness and compassion of those two women made an uncomfortable experience much less so, and the whole process took less than an hour.

Other things that made my life full last week were taking time to watch Micau jump and play with her new little catnip mouse, cuddling with her as she nuzzled my neck or touched her little pink nose to mine; Meisha, our other cat, seeking me out and curling up beside me at night, using my hand for her pillow as she purred us to sleep; Mindy, my service dog, picking up a paper I dropped on the floor without me giving her the command to do so, and coming in to help me in the morning as soon as she heard me stirring; hearing a favorite piece of music on the radio; the beauty of a bouquet of flowers reminding me that spring is not far off; discovering a new artisan bread that is gluten-free and deliciously chewy; finding an exercise DVD that I can do while seated, and being able to actually DO all of the exercises! These things have little, if any, monetary value, but I wouldn't have traded them for the world. They provided the moments of calm in a hectic, painful, stressful week.

Kindness, compassion, caring, affection can't be bought, they can only be given and received. They may not pay the rent or put food on the table, or get blog entries written on time, but life would be unbearably bleak without them.

What are the "little things" that help you get through a stressful day/week/season of life, or that simply put a smile on your face when you need it most? Please share in the comment section.

Smooth Sailing or Stormy Seas? How to Get Back on Course.

Can you believe we're at the end of January already? For the most part, it has been a busy, productive month for me--how about you? Are you enjoying smooth sailing in accomplishing your goals and maintaining a positive attitude? Are storms battering your boat, making it difficult to make any headway? Is your boat at a standstill, caught in the doldrums, waiting for something to get you moving again? Have you been blown off course by unexpected things popping up and taking up your time? Hopefully, you haven't been shipwrecked altogether!

If you recall, I had broken my goals down into doable steps for each month, week, and day. So, let's see where things stand with only one day left in the month:

1. begin revisions on my WIP (work in progress) -- began on January 4, but have not made much progress (will talk about this later);
2. declutter one day a week--started on January 7 and, in spite of some inner resistance one day, have kept at it every Thursday and am making good progress;
3. join two off-line writers' groups--just sent in my registration for one today online (it's an offline group with an online presence, too); will be mailing a check and membership form to the other on Monday;
4. mail package off to brother and sister-in-law--working on that this weekend, plan to mail it on Monday.

So, overall, I'm feeling pretty good about how January has gone. If you're making progress, congratulations. Be sure to celebrate your success by doing something special for yourself.

If you're struggling or feel like giving up, step back to take a look at what's going on. What's working? Why is it working? In other words, what are you doing that is keeping you motivated and positive? What's not working? What is keeping you from moving forward and succeeding? What do you need to do in order to get back on course?

As I sat down to evaluate my own progress, I discovered that what's working for me is having my daily tasks assigned to certain days of the week, writing them on a To Do List so that I can check them off at the end of the day, and keeping the list short. Anything that doesn't get done, gets added to the next day's list; but if it doesn't get done that day either, it waits until its scheduled day the following week. It might seem odd to put something off almost a week rather than continuing to carry it over, but there is a good reason for this. If I continue to carry an undone task over, day after day, it will be a constant reminder that I'm not meeting that goal and my To Do List will grow out of control and be overwhelming. I will perceive it as a daily failure, which will breed negative feelings, which will make me resistant to tackling the task as it looms larger and larger in my mind. Instead, if I reschedule it to the following week's assigned day for that task, I can progress through the rest of the week's tasks unencumbered. When it comes up again the following week, I will have had five days of success behind me before tackling this task again, so will be able to approach it in a more positive frame of mind. Then, I can make that my first task for that day to make sure it does, in fact, get done. Each success is positive reinforcement for believing that the next task can also be accomplished.

So, what happened with my book revisions? I started off strong, then hit a snag. Maybe I hadn't let the book simmer on the back burner quite long enough and was still too close to it, or maybe it's because I prefer making corrections with pen and ink instead of on the computer (though I prefer the computer when doing the writing), or maybe it's because I hadn't yet set up a schedule with my writing buddy for mutual encouragement and accountability. Perhaps I was a little overambitious given my health issues, doctor appointments, the change in our family constellation (we adopted a new cat toward the end of the month and are helping her adjust to her new home, humans, and animal "siblings" and find her place), and the day-to-day responsibilities attendant to running a home.

Instead of beating myself up over it, I looked instead at what I'd accomplished. In addition to the things listed specifically in my goals for the month, I'd also taken positive action regarding my health and given an abandoned cat a forever home. So, what about the book revisions? They'll be number one on my goals for February when I sit down tomorrow to see what I want to accomplish during the second month of this year. Another, will be to talk with my writing buddy to set up how we want to hold each other accountable.

What were your successes in January? What caused you problems? What lessons did you learn, and what action are you taking as a result? Share your comments, gratitude list, and questions in the comment section. Let's encourage one another as we head into February.

For help on specific topics, you might like to take a look at change expert Mary Jane Ryan's blog at http://maryjaneryan.wordpress.com/. In addition to current articles, scroll down to the menu on the right with articles archived by topics including weight loss, tips for achieving goals, gratitude, growth, how to create lasting change, and much more.

Are You Too Attached?

We can struggle for years with a problem--a habit we're trying to break, an addiction, weight loss, a job, a relationship--and then, in a single moment, we have an epiphany, that "ah-ha" moment when the thing we've spent so much time and energy trying to figure out or bring about, suddenly snaps into focus and becomes clear. It's like the moment in every episode of "Murder, She Wrote" (one of my all-time favorite TV series) when someone utters a seemingly innocuous remark and Jessica Fletcher says, "That's it! Of course!" and you know she has just figured out "who done it." This week, I had just such a moment.

For several years I've subscribed to life coach Cheryl Richardson's online newsletter, and always find her articles enlightening and inspiring. A couple of days ago, while perusing her website, I clicked on an application called "A Touch of Grace." The idea is to click on the app, close your eyes and focus on a challenge you're facing, then click one of several twinkling stars to receive a "grace" card.

Before I go any further, I want to make it very clear that I'm not superstitious, nor do I seek spiritual guidance from internet applications. But I do know that there is a power in the universe that is greater than we are, and that this supreme intelligence often uses simple things to confound the wise. So, when I clicked on a particular twinkling star, I wasn't expecting some deep revelation, but neither did I feel it was beyond the realm of possibility for God to use just such a simple thing to get my attention.

At my recent physical, for the first time in my life, some of my bloodwork came back with numbers that exceeded the normal range. Although I try to eat a healthy diet, my weakness is carbs: pizza, pasta, breads. After 61 years, the "free ride" was over, and my love affair with carbs had just smacked me upside the head--that wake-up call I mentioned last week. I immediately went into a 12-hour funk. Then I thought, "Okay, you made the commitment to be more positive this year. Here's the first test...what are you going to do about it?"

As a former teacher, board president, and committee chairman, my philosophy was to never ask a student or colleague to do anything I wasn't willing to do myself. I had shared on this blog that I was going to live in a positive way this year, and had invited others to take up the challenge with me. So, instead of allowing myself to get bogged down asking "Why me? Why now? Why did this happen when I try to be so careful?" I decided to ask myself, "What can you DO to change

this?"

The first thing I did was schedule an appointment with my doctor to discuss the results of the blood work and come up with a treatment plan to get those numbers back into the normal range--a positive action. Then, I reminded myself that my blood pressure, etc., had been fine just six months earlier, before I injured my right hand and ended up in a splint and physical therapy for five months. During that time, I'd let my good habits slip, and I'd had a hard time getting back to them. So, there was every reason to believe this situation could be turned around--positive attitude.

I began doing some simple stretches, began keeping a food journal again, and took stock of what needed to change (get back to eating more fruits and vegetables and fewer processed carbs), and wrote down a list of things to discuss with my doctor. As soon as I'd done those things--no, actually, as soon as I'd made the decision to do those things--my anxiety evaporated and I felt more in control, more at peace. It was at that point that I happened on the Touch of Grace app with the twinkling stars, closed my eyes, and thought about the challenge of losing weight since limited mobility and chronic pain make it extremely difficult for me to exercise. I opened my eyes, clicked on a star, and watched it morph into a "Grace card" that said, "Let go." It went on to say, "When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the power of grace to work its magic."

"Ah! Release the outcome!" Stop focusing on losing weight and concentrate on eating a healthy diet and moving enough to maintain as much flexibility and strength as possible. That wasn't really all that much of a revelation, though, because I'd heard that before--many times. But it made me feel more positive, less anxious about those pesky elevated numbers. I'd made a decision to do something about it, and that, in itself, made me feel better.

Then, a couple of days later, I had a really, truly Jessica-Fletcher-I-know-who-did-it bolt-from-the-blue revelation. Release my ATTACHMENT to the outcome. Obviously, my goal was to (a) get healthier, (b) get those numbers back into the normal range, and (c) lose weight. But all of a sudden I realized that as long as I held on tightly to the outcome, as long as the end result was my focus, I would never achieve my goals. Why? Because by stressing out over it, I'm engaging in self-sabotage.

If you're constantly focusing on what you're going to eat, what you ate that you shouldn't have eaten, how many times you've failed in the past, how hard it is to stick to a diet, and all the other defeatist self-talk we engage in, you're never going to lose that weight. Not only that, but it will affect your attitude about other things, too, and you won't be able to enjoy your day-to-day life. You are so attached to trying to make yourself lose weight, the harder you try, the more you fail. But if you focus on eating healthy and living a healthier lifestyle, and focus your attention on other things in life, the weight will come off over time. Eventually, your body will reach its goal and in the meantime, you'll be healthier and happier.

When I really let it sink in that I needed to release my ATTACHMENT to the outcome, I began to relax and enjoy making the changes in my life that I'd set as goals for this year. Instead of worrying about the destination, I started enjoying the journey. Instead of fretting over how much there still is to accomplish in order to reach my goals, I began to take pleasure in, and feel energized by, the daily progress being made. Instead of behaving like a drill sergeant about my goals, I let go of my attachment to them and made room for grace to manifest itself.

Are you too attached to your goals? Are you putting so much pressure on yourself that you want to just give up and stop trying? Maybe it's time to let go of your attachment to the goal and show yourself some grace so you can enjoy the journey. Let me know how you're doing in the comment section.

[If you'd like to check out Cheryl Richardson's website, newsletters, or try the Touch of Grace app, visit her website at http://cherylrichardson.com]

How Can Anyone Stay Positive in the Midst of Tragedy?

Just two weeks ago we entered 2010 with a sense of optimism and hope for a better year...just as we do every New Year's Day. For many of us, the last strains of "Auld Lang Syne" were still ringing in our ears, and "Happy New Year" was still on our lips, when things seemed to take a nosedive.

Shortly before 2009 ended, my son-in-law's uncle died suddenly, and a week later his fraternal grandmother passed away -- a very rough ending to the old year. Then, less than two weeks into the new year, his maternal grandmother also died. A couple of days later, a 7.0 earthquake leveled much of the island country of Haiti, leaving unimaginable death and destruction in its wake. Local newscasts reported that car and snowmobile accidents had taken the lives of other people's family members, and a talented folk artist took his own life. Both close to home, and on a broader scale, it didn't look like 2010 was off to a very auspicious start after all.

How can anyone stay positive when their world is turned upside down by the loss of a loved one, the devastation of a natural disaster, the loss of a job, the breakup of a marriage, the diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness, or countless other things that make us ask "Why?" and want to throw up our hands and hide in a dark corner.

If you're looking for an answer, I don't have one...at least, not the one you may be looking for. It's natural to ask "why" or "why me" when bad things happen to us, to those we care about, or even to strangers who live half a world away. And, unfortunately, it's human nature to want to point the finger in blame.

Being positive does NOT mean ignoring the reality of injustice and human suffering. It does NOT mean pasting a phony smile on my face and telling the world I'm "just fine" when I'm not. It does NOT mean living in denial, spouting empty platitudes, or pretending to have all the answers. What it DOES mean is doing my best to respond to negative things, people, comments, situations in a positive way instead of becoming negative myself. I can rail against the injustice of a country being senselessly reduced to rubble, but that won't help alleviate the suffering of its people or rebuild their homes. I can pronounce angry judgment on those who abuse children, commit murder, or torture helpless animals, but that won't help the victims or comfort those they leave behind, nor will it put the criminals behind bars. I can blame my company, my boss, my coworkers, or the President for losing my job or my home, but that won't provide shelter or food for my family, nor will it help me find employment.

When we ask "why," we're often asking the wrong question. Unless we know the answer to "why" and can do something about it, that question only serves to keep us focused on the negative and prevents us from doing anything constructive. "Why" either makes us look outward for someone else to blame, or makes us look inward to blame ourselves, making us feel guilty and depressed. So, if "why" is the wrong question, what are the right ones?

Asking "how" or "what" is much more productive when faced with negatives. For example, with the disaster in Haiti, it helps no one to ask why this happened. But if we ask "how" or "what," those questions can be answered and produce positive action to alleviate suffering. We can pray for the people of Haiti. We can donate money to relief efforts. Some can even volunteer as relief workers and go to Haiti to personally lend their strength, time, and energy to assist those in need.

What about things closer to home? If we lose a job, we can ask what we need to do to find a new one, and take positive action: update a resume, start reading job ads and setting up interviews with prospective employers, see what lessons and skills have been learned at the old job that may help us to be a more desirable employee. We can also ask how we can manage until that happens and take action on that front: register for unemployment, see where we can cut expenses, sell things we don't need, apply to a temp agency while looking for permanent work.

What about other negative news items: a family whose home burned, animal cruelty, child abduction? For some, positive action might mean turning off the TV to avoid depression. For others, it might mean donating new or gently used items to replace what the fire victims lost, volunteering at the local humane society or donating to one of the many animal relief organizations, or signing up for Amber Alerts on their computer.

The next time you find yourself asking "why" or "why me," stop and ask yourself two things: (1) does this question have a cause/effect answer, and, if so (2) will the answer help change the situation or make me feel better? If the answer to these questions is "no," consider asking some "how" or "what" questions that will result in positive action.

Staying positive isn't easy, and we need to be gentle with ourselves, and forgive ourselves when we fail. It takes work, practice, and patience in the daily-ness of life. It is a discipline to cultivate, not a prize to be won. Sometimes, the most positive thing we can do initially is to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, give ourselves time to grieve, reach out for support, and just keep breathing. But eventually, we need to take action, to move forward. And, sometimes, when we reach beyond our own need to help someone else, we'll suddenly realize that we've found the strength to meet our own as well.

How do you deal with negative people/situations? What keeps you going when you feel like giving up? What helps you stay positive when bad things happen? Share your thoughts in the comments section. You can also share your daily gratitude list for the past week.